This was the year...

My roommates recently moved to California – and for the second time in the duration of my lease, I'm kicking it alone in a two-bedroom apartment.

I was walking around the first night they were gone and reflecting about how different it felt to be living in a partially empty apartment for the second time. This situation may not seem significant at a cursory glance, but in reality, these seemingly similar moments represent how much has changed in my life. In short, they are the bookends for “the” year.

To explain: both my mother and grandmother have told me to watch for “the” year. According to these ladies (and a few Hallmark Channel movies), there is typically a year in your 20’s that is a turning point. It’s likely the year you found yourself mumbling that obnoxious expression, “If it doesn’t hurt, then it’s not a lesson,” or you’ve made it through a handful of hardships. However you arrive to “the” year, chances are – you’ll be walking out a different person.

In case that explanation didn’t stick, I'm going to compare this to an episode of How I Met Your Mother (sorry guys, I only know HIMYM, The OC and The Office well enough to reference). In the 4th season finale, "The Leap," Ted Mosby reflects on his last year...

I could try to sum up my year in 30 seconds like Ted in the clip above, but I've never been one for brevity. And as much I find myself thinking it could be, my life is not a television show. So, in order to better explain how this year changed my view on relationships and life in general, I’m going to borrow Ted’s, “This was the year…”

(And then I stopped writing for 13 days...)

Here I am again, drumming my fingers on my keyboard as I figure out how to write this without feeling overwhelmed as I try to sum up a year's worth of thoughts into a single post. Hopefully BuzzFeed and Thought Catalog haven't left you inundated with lists, because here comes another smorgasbord of musings.

...

This was the year I learned that happiness, much like love, can be redefined multiple times as you grow up. I had always thought myself to be a pretty happy person, but it took this past year to realize happiness isn't as one dimensional as I previously thought. It took a year that wasn't all marshmallows and rainbow sherbet to push me to redefine happiness and I now know I'm a better, happier version of myself. Even as I type it, it makes no sense to me. But I know that I am.

This was the year I learned family is damn important. Yes, I know… novel idea. If you’re like me, there was a time (i.e. a decade) in which you treated your friends like your family, and often prioritized them as such. I feel almost silly saying it, but it took me until this year to realize that family trumps my work, friends, lovers. The first eye-opener came when I lost Mike McMahon, the man who "adopted" me for a few years in my youth and was the first to teach me family is not necessarily blood (I’ll come back to this at another time). And then my grandfather (i.e. my dad) had a very severe heart attack and the doctors said it was a miracle he survived. I was traveling for work when it happened (in fact, I was in flight when my grandma was trying to get in touch with me) and to this date, it was the worst voicemail I've ever listened to. But it woke me up...and there are no words to describe the feeling of absolute gratitude I felt when I saw him for the first time after. I made a deal with myself shortly after he was released from the hospital that I would do whatever necessary to visit them in Florida regularly (every 6 weeks, in fact). And call them weekly. Have you called your family lately? You should. Like right meow.

This was the year I learned losing a friendship is sometimes worse than losing a lover. I'm not talking about friendships that fade over time, but the ones that end due to uncontrollable circumstances. Those just hit you like a sucker punch. For the most part, I have led a bit of a charmed life when it comes to my friendships - I have been blessed with a handful of friends that have really stuck by me (and vice versa), some of which for almost 20 years old. 

And I think that is why it hurt so much to lose a friendship, because I'm naturally inclined to think they can go for years and years. At the very least, you don't anticipate friendships to end abruptly or poorly. You likely approach friendship with less reservation than you do with a romantic relationship – trust may come easier, in-depth conversations definitely do and companionship is almost implied. And for those of my friendships that have fizzled away with time, they did so in a way that didn't leave me avoiding certain restaurants or old songs due to strong associations. Maybe that's why I never anticipated losing a close friendship could be on par with losing a lover. Or maybe this was the anomaly because this friend was one of the best and my roommate (hence the first of the "bookends" I referenced early on). Regardless of friend or lover, I think you heal your broken heart by focusing on the good parts of the relationship, letting go of the rest and eating Ben & Jerry’s in between steps 1 and 2. 

This was the year that I realized quarter and mid-life crises are a legit and

That time my hair had an identity crisis.

necessary thing. I don't mean necessarily in the way that you go out and do something silly like buying a motorcycle (or bleaching your brunette hair...), but in the way that you stop and reevaluate everything about your life. I (think) it's okay to stop and freak out about everything. "Is this the job I want? Are these people actually good for my life? Do I want to sell all my possessions and go help adorable kids struggling with physical disabilities?" It's never fun to question everything you've worked for, but if you can resist doing something impulsive until the panic subsides, I think your next life move will be pretty clear. 


This was the year I learned exes cannot be friends... at least not without time and space. I’d been arguing on the other side of this debate for more than a decade. Turns out, there’s a chance I was wrong. I heard something interesting once and I guess I stored it away for this very moment: If two former lovers transition to friends immediately, one of them is still in love or neither ever was. 

At this point (as I’m guessing many of you are in your 20’s), you’ve likely been through a “big” breakup. If you were one of the few who decided to forge a friendship after, you may have also learned that if that friendship ends, it's probably going to feel like you've lost a good chunk of who you are. Not that Facebook is a legitimate testimony of anything, but the “see friendship” option has got to be one of the most awesome/heart-wrenching features of social networking. It is especially interesting because Facebook is an electronic record of the ups and downs of the last 7-8 years of our lives. Photos from when you were stupid happy, random wall posts referencing nights wasted in college, vacations, roadtrips, house parties. It’s all on there, making it SO easy to take a glance and sentimentalize your former relationship and history. You know how to get past that? Click unfriend. It'll feel better. Promise. It might be the modern-day way of throwing all those photos and letters in a box and under your bed. Except this way, you can't go through those memories when you're feeling nostalgic. And that's how you move forward.

HIMYM'ing it with the roomies.

This was the year I remembered the importance of not getting too comfortable. When I packed up and moved to NYC for a 3-month adventure at 21 years old, it really pushed me to my limits... but I loved it. But when I left everything and everyone I knew in Nebraska one year later and moved to Boston only with the possessions I could fit in my two-door Civic, I really, really struggled. I think it kind of knocked me on my butt; it closed me off from taking risks and made me hyper-attached to routine and order. I eventually moved past it – so far, in fact, that I even moved in with a married couple in the last year. If you didn't know that, I'm sure your eyebrow just raised, as I saw countless ones do the very same thing in the last year. But it was awesome. Living with a married couple really opened my eyes to so many things about love, compromise and the awesomeness of a wedding registry (aka the biggest reason I want to get married – this girl needs a waffle maker ASAP). I could say so much more about this, but I'll save that for another post. I do have to say, I think my biggest regret for the last year is that I didn't try to sell the story of a "single gal and a married couple living in the big city" to a TV network. It has sitcom gold written all over it. 

This was the year I finally stopped over-planning, which is a major feat coming from the girl who had a notebook labeled "five-year plan" at 11 years old. Turns out, you can plan and plan and plan and that still won't make the pieces of your life fall perfectly into place. Now I realize that would be painfully boring. I think one of the most exciting things about being young is the opportunity for the unknown. That means our lives are still volatile enough that anything can happen... and we can switch gears at any given moment. And even though I occasionally say silly things that hint to my thoughts about being old at just 26-years-old, I realize I'm still plenty young and my life is just getting off the ground.

...

All in all, there were a few unfavorable things that stiff-armed me into "the" year. And while I still can't look back at some of those things without getting a sour taste in my mouth, I know that they were necessary to help me grow up a bit, become an adult, start my next chapter, blah blah blah. 

Just in case anyone is dealing with their version of “the” year, here is what I suggest: set a goal to help propel you forward. My goal was to be able to do any type of physical activity without wanting to pass out. I happened upon spinning because I love the heck out of finding a rhythm and my curvy frame has a built-in bike seat cushion. Win, win. I also added a 5K to my list of goals (crossed it off, twice) thanks to the encouragement from this awesome gal named Kim. I guess the value in setting a goal is because it’s something you can control, unlike whatever is causing you angst. Maybe that is why it works.

By the way, your goal doesn't have to be something physical; learning a new language or embarking on a pancake tour of North America are both admirable goals.

If all else fails, don't underestimate the power of a good talk with a loved one, binge-watching an entire TV series on Netflix or the crab ragoons from the South End’s House of Siam.

***

I suppose only time will tell if this was actually “the” year. At the very least, I know it was a turning point. With the exceptions of a few clumsy moments, I think, errr, hope I was able to leap into the next chapter with a decent amount of grace. And I'm calling shenanigans on Ted and crew -- there is no way anyone enters the next chapter with both feet firmly on the ground.