Guest Post: The 3 Pillars And How To Stand On A One-Legged Stool

Written by my lovely roomie, Elise. Enjoy! 

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If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know you get nothing less than an insightful, well-written post shedding new light on life situations. This is not one of those posts; however, somewhere along the way, sifting through this sporadic commentary, I hope to leave you with an Alia-like feeling of inspiration.

Initially when Alia and I talked about this post, it was going to focus on the hazards of being single in Boston. Something of which I am (and Alia used to be) familiar. Yet one conversation (likely over crab ragoons and a heaping helping of Thai food take-out) made it grow into something more.

A glance inside our apartment on any typical night will reveal a well-worn floor... and pristine living room furniture (because why would you use chairs when you have a perfectly good floor?). Spread out on the hardwood of our apartment, Alia and I were discussing the typical week night talk - inane television shows, life in general, and the perils and pluses of dating. My wise roommate (likely harnessing the wisdom of her Nana, who I’m always inspired by the pearls I receive secondhand from Alia) once said you should never disrupt the 3 pillars of your life all at once. Those pillars are: your relationship (whatever that may be - romantic, familial, the pizza man that brings you the most delicious pepperoni, double cheese bread you’ve ever tasted), your job and your home. The reason behind it being that it will throw you off, helter-skelter into the world, and I would imagine sink you into a deep depression. It throws off the balance of your life. I processed this concept for a moment, looked at her, and pondered, Well, let’s see. I’m without a job and no romantic relationship (the dating scene in Boston is less than ideal). “A stool can stand on one leg, right? That’s possible. I’m pretty sure that’s possible, right? Please, God, tell me that’s possible.” On top of that, my one-legged stool was even a little shaky at the time as I wasn't sure where I would be living come September once the lease was up. So let’s see, I had 4 months to solidify a second pillar to my singledom before all three pillars dropped.

This was not an easy task. I had no job and I was still hung up on a boy that, turns out, did not return my feelings. To say tackling both of these pillars at once was overwhelming would be an understatement. Interviewing for new positions is a lot like dating. Both contain the possibility of rejection, a what-should-I-wear uncertainty, stalking researching, following up. It’s a lot to manage.

Step 1: Watch Sandra Bullock’s speech to a high school graduating class...on repeat.

Step 2: Hustle. Strap on some thick skin and a smile and get to work.

Step 3: Get yourself some ribs and ice cream. (If you did not pick up that that was a He’s Just Not That Into You reference, please disregard.)

Step 4: Repeat step 1.

Step 6: Surround yourself with people who build you up and cut out the excess, the things sucking away your energy, the ones causing you anxiety.

Step 7: Accept the “no” and move on. This is so you can make way for greater opportunities and people to fill your life. Aside from the job search, I think this also applies to the dating scene. Here I will elaborate for your entertainment. I’m not a fan of calling people out on very public blogs and spaces on the web, especially because I like to think (if not delusional) that my friends read my writings. Hence, all names and occupations have been changed in this encounter. Heck, it could even be a hypothetical here. (It’s not a hypothetical.)

  

The other day, I found myself at a “dog park.” It happened so quickly. I was cornered by a “dog trainer.” (As you can see I’m not so great with the omissions, but bear with me.) He asked for my number. I denied. He persisted. I denied again. He persisted. I gave it to him.

Now, I know I’m not the only one to initiate the “fade-away.” No, I’m not referring to that sweet basketball jump shot, though there are similarities. I’m talking about the times you just don’t respond. The goal of the fade-away is to create space between the shooter and the defender to make the shot more difficult to block. This is the same concept for texting and dating. Radio silence. That’s the most terrible and glorious thing about technology (for both job searching and relationships - the ability to just not respond). You have a built-in out, the ability to say Oh that? It must have gotten lost in the ether somewhere. Weird. Mmmhmm sure. I know you saw it. So I attempted this method. I’m not proud of it. But don’t you worry, I got what I deserved. Instead of comfortable silence and avoidance of any and all awkward conversations, what I got back shocked me - a long prologue asking what was up. Guilt racked me. I was going to put the transcript here, but I’ll give you the bullet points. I mean it was weird (and there was no way in hell I was going out with him). But he had a point. I shouldn't hide behind technology. I had given him my number (another entirely wrong issue deserving of its own blog post) and he should have a reason for the radio silence. I thought about giving him the outright lie of “Weird story, bro, but I’m seeing someone else. Just met them. Like today. We’re in love. It’s serious.” But I opted for the honest answer of, I just had a lot on my plate and wasn't interested in dating. I was feeling great about myself. Yes! I finally took the high road. Forget you technology! I am a grown up! Yeah, no. What I got back was a scrolling monologue of why we should go out. No, why! That was not an offer to try harder, sir. Accept the change and move on. This was something I had to do with the other boy in my life. Also, something I needed to do for my current career. Change is difficult. Accepting the word “no” or “not right now” is difficult. Finding that next opportunity is difficult. But that’s what pushes you to grow. And all of those “no’s” lead to a better “yes” down the line. Trust me.*

My Nana-ism Pearl of Wisdom:

Sometimes life comes at you all at once. Sometimes it feels like you’re standing in front of a haywire tennis ball pitching machine that can’t be turned off - a constant barrage of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. It’s alright to lean on someone, heck multiple people. Don’t avoid, don’t practice the fadeaway, slinking into the back wall, blending seamlessly into the wallpaper. It will come back to bite you in that cute little booty. Accept the “no” and that not everyone wants to play in your sandbox (Sandra Bullock reference if you would have watched the video!) Go find someone who does, because there are plenty more people and opportunities out there waiting for you. And all of those no’s are creating barriers to lead you down fresh roads to the yes you were meant to find. Finally, practice patience and trust. Finding the right match takes time. In an age where instant gratification is the norm, waiting is not part of our vocabulary. But unlike technology, not all of life’s events/turning points throttle you into the next great chapter. Sometimes you have to slog through the muck, only to find another muddy, difficult path. But I really do think all things work themselves out in time if you put in the elbow grease and hustle.

Realizing not everything was in my control, filling my life with positive people/places/events and cutting out the excess, the noise, the anxiety was crucial to filling my phantom stool legs with stability. I really believe that old cliche that the bad in life allows you to see the good. Relationships are like jobs. Finding the right job for your personality is a series of dates, mishaps, and learning escapades. It takes time, uncertainty, and a ton of private dance parties to Katy Perry’s “Walking on Air.” And you know those stools? Don’t give them too much worry. They can definitely stand on one leg. Personal experience tells me so.

xoxo

Elise

*I’m happy to report number boy now has a new girlfriend with interests similar to his own.

Post note: Elise is now gainfully employed and still working on that relationship status.

Post post note: Order Thai food, especially crab ragoons. You will thank me later.